Tuesday 17 November 2009

Faking it...

I've become a Grand Master (should that be Mistress?) at Faking It.

Now, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about faking my way through this world with a smile on my face when sometimes I could just sit and weep.

I think I'm pretty good at it now. I think there are very few people who can see through the mask and see the real me. The scared girl. The girl who is self concious, geeky, awkward and shy. The girl who can't give any more, I'm too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The girl who tries to reach out to someone because underneath all the flirting and innuendo she genuinely does care and ultimately gets ignored.

I sit here and I try to figure out who the real me is and I honestly don't know any more. I seem to have acquired labels along the way and none of them truly fit.

I try to be open and honest with my friends but its so hard when some days I can't be roused out of feeling low. It's easier to wear a mask then it is to tell people how I really feel. It's easier to build a wall around myself and only let certain parts out.

Maybe being unemployed has the serious disadvantage of me having far too much time on my hands to think about these things. Maybe I just needed to get this all on screen and out of my system. I don't know anymore. I often find myself tiptoeing around my own head so I don't set off any alarm bells (great...now I sound mental). My mind seems to over analyse every single detail and once it starts I find it so hard to stop the snowball effect.

I do fear I've faked it for so long the real me has disappeared. At this point in time all I do know is I can't knock down this wall on my own.

Sunday 15 November 2009

Thoughts in my head right now...

- I hate being unemployed
- I don't want triple swabs...again
- Some people are so bloody rude
- Who's been reading my blog?
- That snickers advert is so stupid...
- The band who were playing before the rugby were pretty amazing!!
- I really need to stop smoking
- Shit! I forgot to take my pill :s
- I NEED to sort my insurance out tomorrow
- Who knew I could have so many thoughts?
- I HAVE to ring the doctors on Monday first thing and sort this bloody referral out
- Do I really want to stay in Payroll?
- *shivers*
- I should probably go to bed...
- My throat is really sore...this is what I get for shouting at the rugby
- Ohhhhhhhhh Viennaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Tuesday 10 November 2009

My baby :D

I'm officially in love!!!




Sunday 8 November 2009

You do realise your continued silence actually cuts pretty deep?

Who knew I cared so much...I didn't until I realised how much your silence hurt.

Sorry to anyone reading, I'm just thinking on my blog...well...you know what I mean!

Coming to some conclusions...

Based on the past 24 hours of my life, I can conclude:

- Guys you think are mates and know you're not easy are total arseholes...Cheers for the pervy texts!

- Guys you very rarely speak to only text when they want a shag (see my phishing texts blog here: http://ramblingsofa20somethingsinglegirl.blogspot.com/2009/02/grrr.html)

- And the guys you think are great generally turn out to be arses.

So to quote Bonnie Tyler, where have all the good men gone?!

Ode to Endo Sisters

Endometriosis, the cruellest of cruel
I wish I had known back when I was in school
How life would be when I became a teen
I wish I’d known that life could be so mean
There’s no way to prepare for the endless pain
No way of knowing if you’ll ever be the same
Hours of torture, lasting days, even weeks
Getting by on morphine, drugged up so to speak
Cancelling socials, losing friends you once had
Oh why wasn’t I prepared that things would be so bad
Constantly battling to prove it’s not in your head
Constantly aching to jump freely out of bed
A longing to be heard, or that someone will hear
Then another “Oh it’s normal”, then come the tears
A long, lonely road of despair may follow
Faced along the way with sadness and sorrow
Never knowing what tomorrow will bring
But at least you can always be sure of one thing
Your endo sisters will always be there
Always showing they understand and care
Never to put you down or even forget you
And always to know that they’ve been there too
So had I known then, what I know now
I don’t think I’d have my wonderful sisters, and I don’t know how
I would have faced more surgery, and got through the days
Or have the strength to fight, or know the ways
See with endometriosis, it’s a chronic condition
But one thing’s for sure; it won’t stop my ambition
I thank you all for helping me through
And please please know - I’ll always be here for you.


This was originally posted by one of my very dear friends here: http://lizdiamond81.blogspot.com/2009/01/ode-to-endo-sisters-endometriosis.html

After the week I've had it's made me realise that no matter what or how long it's been since we've spoken the girls on the endo forum will always rally round with helpful advice.

Love to them all xxx

Thursday 5 November 2009

Thinking...

It's been another weird day today.

I heard an RTA....or rather the "thud" of a pedestrian getting knocked over, it was pretty scary stuff. Especially seeing an almost lifeless body lying in the middle of the road. Fortunately the woman is in a stable condition and will hopefully be ok.

It got me thinking to be honest. Do the people I care about and call friends know how I feel about them? How hard is it to tell our friends we love them. You never know what's coming around the corner. I try and tell my friends I love them, even if it's once a month.

The place where it gets complicated is if there's someone you're attracted to. Do you take the chance and blurt out how you feel about them? Do you keep it to yourself because you fear the rejection?

I'm not asking these questions with the hope of any answer, I know it's an individual thing. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.

In the meantime I'm gonna try and get rid of the "thud" that's still echoing around my head and the image I get every time I close my eyes.

To my friends, I love you all so much. You're the ones that lift me up when I'm down, make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Some of you don't realise just how some silly little thing you say or do can totally change my mood and I can honestly say that I'd be lost without some of you xx