I've become a Grand Master (should that be Mistress?) at Faking It.
Now, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about faking my way through this world with a smile on my face when sometimes I could just sit and weep.
I think I'm pretty good at it now. I think there are very few people who can see through the mask and see the real me. The scared girl. The girl who is self concious, geeky, awkward and shy. The girl who can't give any more, I'm too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The girl who tries to reach out to someone because underneath all the flirting and innuendo she genuinely does care and ultimately gets ignored.
I sit here and I try to figure out who the real me is and I honestly don't know any more. I seem to have acquired labels along the way and none of them truly fit.
I try to be open and honest with my friends but its so hard when some days I can't be roused out of feeling low. It's easier to wear a mask then it is to tell people how I really feel. It's easier to build a wall around myself and only let certain parts out.
Maybe being unemployed has the serious disadvantage of me having far too much time on my hands to think about these things. Maybe I just needed to get this all on screen and out of my system. I don't know anymore. I often find myself tiptoeing around my own head so I don't set off any alarm bells (great...now I sound mental). My mind seems to over analyse every single detail and once it starts I find it so hard to stop the snowball effect.
I do fear I've faked it for so long the real me has disappeared. At this point in time all I do know is I can't knock down this wall on my own.
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1 comment:
Hey honey. I know exactly where you're coming from with this, and it does have a lot to do with having a lot of time on your hands. I know, I've been there. I tried taking on projects just to give my mind something to focus on rather than all the dark stuff. Have you thought about doing a bit of voluntary work? Charity shops are normally crying out for help, especially at this time of year, and nothing beats charity shop work for a big dose of humanity in all its forms. ;)
The other thing I'd suggest is listen to music, lots of music, lots of different kinds. Crank up your favourite tunes and rock out. Particularly effective in the car on a long drive... ;)
And don't forget Yer Guv, who is always around for hugs and moral support and toy stampage services as and when needed.
Thinking of you babe, love you loads.
xxx
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