Faking it...

I've become a Grand Master (should that be Mistress?) at Faking It.

Now, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about faking my way through this world with a smile on my face when sometimes I could just sit and weep.

I think I'm pretty good at it now. I think there are very few people who can see through the mask and see the real me. The scared girl. The girl who is self concious, geeky, awkward and shy. The girl who can't give any more, I'm too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The girl who tries to reach out to someone because underneath all the flirting and innuendo she genuinely does care and ultimately gets ignored.

I sit here and I try to figure out who the real me is and I honestly don't know any more. I seem to have acquired labels along the way and none of them truly fit.

I try to be open and honest with my friends but its so hard when some days I can't be roused out of feeling low. It's easier to wear a mask then it is to tell people how I really feel. It's easier to build a wall around myself and only let certain parts out.

Maybe being unemployed has the serious disadvantage of me having far too much time on my hands to think about these things. Maybe I just needed to get this all on screen and out of my system. I don't know anymore. I often find myself tiptoeing around my own head so I don't set off any alarm bells (great...now I sound mental). My mind seems to over analyse every single detail and once it starts I find it so hard to stop the snowball effect.

I do fear I've faked it for so long the real me has disappeared. At this point in time all I do know is I can't knock down this wall on my own.

Thoughts in my head right now...

- I hate being unemployed

- I don't want triple swabs...again. 

- Some people are so bloody rude

- Who's been reading my blog?

- That snickers advert is so stupid...

- The band who were playing before the rugby were pretty amazing!!

- I really need to stop smoking

- Shit! I forgot to take my pill :s

- I NEED to sort my insurance out tomorrow

- Who knew I could have so many thoughts?

- I HAVE to ring the doctors on Monday first thing and sort this bloody referral out

- Do I really want to stay in Payroll?

- *shivers*

- I should probably go to bed...

- My throat is really sore...this is what I get for shouting at the rugby

- Ohhhhhhhhh Viennaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

My baby :D

I'm officially in love!!!

You do realise your continued silence actually cuts pretty deep?

Who knew I cared so much...I didn't until I realised how much your silence hurt.

Sorry to anyone reading, I'm just thinking on my blog...well...you know what I mean!

Coming to some conclusions...

Based on the past 24 hours of my life, I can conclude:

- Guys you think are mates and know you're not easy are total arseholes...Cheers for the pervy texts!

- Guys you very rarely speak to only text when they want a shag (see my phishing texts blog here: http://ramblingsofa20somethingsinglegirl.blogspot.com/2009/02/grrr.html)

- And the guys you think are great generally turn out to be arses.

So to quote Bonnie Tyler, where have all the good men gone?!

Ode to Endo Sisters

Endometriosis, the cruellest of cruel
I wish I had known back when I was in school
How life would be when I became a teen
I wish I’d known that life could be so mean
There’s no way to prepare for the endless pain
No way of knowing if you’ll ever be the same
Hours of torture, lasting days, even weeks
Getting by on morphine, drugged up so to speak
Cancelling socials, losing friends you once had
Oh why wasn’t I prepared that things would be so bad
Constantly battling to prove it’s not in your head
Constantly aching to jump freely out of bed
A longing to be heard, or that someone will hear
Then another “Oh it’s normal”, then come the tears
A long, lonely road of despair may follow
Faced along the way with sadness and sorrow
Never knowing what tomorrow will bring
But at least you can always be sure of one thing
Your endo sisters will always be there
Always showing they understand and care
Never to put you down or even forget you
And always to know that they’ve been there too
So had I known then, what I know now
I don’t think I’d have my wonderful sisters, and I don’t know how
I would have faced more surgery, and got through the days
Or have the strength to fight, or know the ways
See with endometriosis, it’s a chronic condition
But one thing’s for sure; it won’t stop my ambition
I thank you all for helping me through
And please please know - I’ll always be here for you.

This was originally posted by one of my very dear friends here: http://lizdiamond81.blogspot.com/2009/01/ode-to-endo-sisters-endometriosis.html

After the week I've had it's made me realise that no matter what or how long it's been since we've spoken the girls on the endo forum will always rally round with helpful advice.

Love to them all xxx

Thinking...

It's been another weird day today.

I heard an RTA....or rather the "thud" of a pedestrian getting knocked over, it was pretty scary stuff. Especially seeing an almost lifeless body lying in the middle of the road. Fortunately the woman is in a stable condition and will hopefully be ok.

It got me thinking to be honest. Do the people I care about and call friends know how I feel about them? How hard is it to tell our friends we love them. You never know what's coming around the corner. I try and tell my friends I love them, even if it's once a month.

The place where it gets complicated is if there's someone you're attracted to. Do you take the chance and blurt out how you feel about them? Do you keep it to yourself because you fear the rejection?

I'm not asking these questions with the hope of any answer, I know it's an individual thing. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.

In the meantime I'm gonna try and get rid of the "thud" that's still echoing around my head and the image I get every time I close my eyes.

To my friends, I love you all so much. You're the ones that lift me up when I'm down, make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Some of you don't realise just how some silly little thing you say or do can totally change my mood and I can honestly say that I'd be lost without some of you xx

A really odd night out...

I was out in Chapel Allerton with Kay and the boys earlier and had such a bizarre experience.

We were sat around with a few cheeky cocktails having a goss, when out of the corner of my eye I spot someone who looked far too much like my ex to not be him. I then spent the next 10 minutes totally oblivious to the conversation while I looked for this look-a-like.

I finally spotted him sat outside the bar, smoking...and heaved a HUGE sigh of relief...it wasn't him. I couldn't handle seeing him again, last time we bumped into each other we ended up doing something pretty stupid.

He'd text me a few weeks ago and I'd deleted his number so after finding out who it was I ignored his messages.

My mate Em is trying to make it her mission in life to get us back together but I don't want that. He lacks passion and to be honest, he bores me. He might have been a great guy to date a few years ago but I'm just not into him at all now.

Wondering who's been reading my blog...just noticed the reader counter has shot up in a very small amount of time...*waves to mysterious readers* Hey!!

I really shouldn't be blogging so late at night (ok, early in the morning) I'll probably just make myself cry again, lol!

Plus I can't make any sense of what's going on in my head so there's no point attempting to blog it.

xx

10 reasons why I hate spam email or 1 reason I secretly am grateful for it

I don't know how to write this without sounding like a total sap.

I checked my email and realised that my account had been spam attacked and was spewing the stuff to every contact in my address book. So I go through and start deleting all the emails until I came across one from my mum who I hadn't spoken to for over a month.

I guess the reason why I'm grateful is that after that awful argument this one stupid email has enabled us to communicate.

There's been things that have happened lately that I wanted to talk to my mum about. I may be 23 years old but I still rely on my parents a lot since they're the only people who truly know me and it's killed me not talking to her. You know for all the times I say my mum's not there for me, she was the one who sat up with me on the phone until silly o clock in the morning when I'd rung up in floods of tears because I'd just found out about the endo and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to have kids. I'm still terrified now but not to the extent I was back then.

I don't know if things will ever be the same again between us but it's nice to know she's there.

Rugby Fun

I have nothing that interesting to say at the moment so instead, here's a pic of me all psyched up to cheer on my boys at Headingly on Friday night. An average game really, both teams could have performed so much better but we got the result we wanted. Many best wishes and a speedy recovery to Chev Walker (ex leeds rhinos player, now plays for Hull KR) who was out of the match within the first 15 minutes with a fractured shin. THERE'S ONLY ONE CHEV WALKER!!!!

Just doing the vain girl thing...I hadn't really noticed until now how tired I look :s and I look slightly better in that pic since I have the war paint on.

xx

The definition of a Luddite

I googled the term luddite for a friend as she didn't know what it meant and found out it's origins. I never knew it dated back to the 1800's.

Luddite

1. A Luddite is a person who dislikes technology, especially technological devices that threaten existing jobs or interfere with personal privacy.
2. A Luddite is someone who is incompetent when using new technology.
The word Luddite has an interesting origin in pop culture of the early 1800's. Legend has it that a young man name Ned Ludd broke an expensive knitting machine in Nottingham, England. Because Ned was considered to be "feeble-minded" by his boss, he wasn't held financially responsible for the broken equipment. Afterwards, when factory equipment broke, the damage was always blamed on Ned Ludd.
During the Industrial Revolution, when factory workers organized to express their dissatisfaction with work conditions, the legend of Ned Ludd was politicized. One well-known method of protest was for workers to dress up in disguise and visit a factory owner late at night. The workers, claiming they had been sent by General Ned Ludd, demanded changes in the workplace. The invocation of Ned Ludd's name made it clear to the factory owner that if the demands weren't met, the owner's expensive machinery would be destroyed. The Luddites enjoyed a kind of Robin Hood reputation and the movement was generally supported by the public until a protest at a Lancashire mill went terribly wrong and several people were killed.

Copyright to http://whatis.techtarget.com/definition/0,,sid9_gci883880,00.html

Company mag article

As I blogged last month, myself and some friends were going to be in company magazine and now I'm using my laptop again (albeit very, very briefly) I thought it was time I uploaded the article.



I still fill up now reading it. I honestly would be lost without all of the sewer kittens. I had a discussion with a friend a few days back and I did forget how different the endo bond is in comparison to the friendships I've formed on another forum.

The sewer kittens will always be intricately linked because the endo affects us in a much, much different way. I can be brutally honest with those girls but I edit the truth a bit with the majority of my other friends. By that I mean I edit out a lot of the gory details. Hmmm, I try not to ponder on it all too much. As I said in my grievance meeting it is not good for my mental state to dwell on what could go wrong because it just upsets me.

I did the first half of my pass plus today. It was AMAZING!! Apart from the running through a red light and going at 85mph on the motorway that is. Next part is booked for next Saturday. Think we're covering Roundabouts (they still scare the shit out of me), rural roads, some more city driving and some more motorway driving.

Got a lot of stuff to do this week like writing my resignation letter, going to the bank, trying not to drool over my car too much, seeing my friend Rach and god knows what else will crop up.

xx

Random Video :P

Poor abandoned blog :'(

I can't believe I've abandoned my blog for almost a month!!

A hell of a lot has been going on though and it doesn't help that my laptop has been unusable since my last blog post either.

I really wish I had something exciting to report but I don't, oops!

The only real exciting news is I'll be getting my car in the next month depending on how long it takes for it to delivered and I'm doing the first half of my pass plus tomorrow so I'll be back behind the wheel.

It's officially heading towards winter now. The first game of the NFL season was on last night...bad times for me, good times for my dad!!

I've had a lot on my mind recently and things from last night have really added to them.

I could do without the emo bullshit, seriously! And there's other stuff I could do without but I'm not saying anything, here or anywhere else. I do wonder if this person realises the effects their words have had on someone whether they were serious or not. Did they not think about the consequences? Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking about this all again because it really makes my head hurt.

Happy things - Leeds Rhinos look to be finishing this season top of the league and get the league leaders shield for this season, well done boys!!!

Please be warned that driving on the roads in Leeds between 2pm and 5pm tomorrow is a very, very bad idea, hehe!!

I'm a ray of fucking sunshine at the moment...no really!!! I'm wondering which lovely person is gonna come along and make my weekend worse.

You know when you say you're stressed out although you're never quite there. You never manage to hit the point where you can't breath, your heart is gonna beat its way out of your chest and you have tears pouring down your face. Well I've hit that point.

Yeah, I know...sounds like I'm been dramatic but I have genuinely reached that point of no return. I'm barely sleeping, panicky, emotional and on a train heading for stress city.

I'm lying to my friends. The usual, yeah course I'm fine, nothing can knock me down but this has. Not only have I had a blow to my career, I feel like they've punched a great big whole through who I am and I really don't know if I can put myself back together again.

I've been made to feel that getting my head down and doing my job is the wrong thing to do. I ended up sobbing my heart out on my best friends shoulder on friday night because of them. They've made me feel every bugger in the office has been talking about me behind my back.

They've made me feel the endo is all my own fault and it's all in my head. I don't spend roughly two days a month barely able to walk, carry stuff or spaced out on painkillers to the extent I can't concentrate and making a cup of tea is one of the hardest tasks in the world.

No...it's all made up and it's all bullshit. I don't have a letter from my consultant after first lap detailing the extensive endo they found. I don't have to fill my body with artificial hormones for 21 days at a time to try and slow the disease that could ultimately stop me from conceiving.

So here I am, unemployed unofficially, stressed out and treated like shit. Yeah I must have pissed someone off...

A Song for the Lovers

Train Travel part II

Why do I only ever blog when I’m on a train?!
It seems to be a new hobby or something. This time I’m on a train heading to London so I have free Wi-Fi AND crap coffee...EPIC WIN!!

I have some news in a fashion. I’m going to be in Company magazine. Nothing major, they were looking for a group of women who have met on a health forum and become close friends because of it. My lovely mate Sades nominated us and the other dirty sewer kittens for the article. She’s done most of the work on it but the article is going to have a couple of lines from Lara, Cat and myself along with pictures which is pretty cool! The issue is out on 15th August so check it out ;)

I’m going to be doing another music post shortly; I’m in love with A Song for the Lovers by Richard Ashcroft. Hearing it takes me back to 2001 when life was simpler. I was still in high school which is kinda scary! In fact I’m listening to it now and resisting the urge to sing along.

I’m currently looking for a new job. I really don’t like where I’m working. I have issues with their working practices and yet when I make a suggestion, I get ignored because what would I know?! I’ve never worked in payroll before (please insert OBVIOUS sarcasm here)

At the end of the day I’m a firm believer of the saying I work to live, I don’t live to work and while I’m looking for something new I’m getting paid which means I’m able to gallivanting off all over the country . In fact, since I started there I’ve been away at least once every month.

I suppose I should sign off here and chat to Kay who’s just popped up on my msn. Will shortly blog A Song for the Lovers.

xx

Train Travel

I’m on a train, somewhere just on the border of Yorkshire I think. At this point in the journey I was hoping to be marvelling at being able to connect to the internet on a train...so far I’ve managed to connect for 5 minutes, if that and I was on the phone to my friend when it had finally connected.

In spite of this, I love train travel. I love the cheap and nasty tasting coffee which is hideously overpriced. I love the occasional nausea when you look out of the window at the wrong moment and can see nothing but a blur of green as you go past trees. (Note to self...Don’t drink the cheap, nasty, overpriced coffee before looking out of the window....ugh!) I love the faulty doors that open and try to close incessantly. I love the delays, never knowing if you’ll be on time for your connecting train. I may have listed quite a few negative things here but they all add to the charm of train travel.

I seem to have spent a lot of time and money on trains recently. It’s hard to believe that just over a week ago I was on a train to London, enjoying the free Wi-Fi and not shivering because the air con was going at full blast.

And now the reason why I’m on a train heading to Plymouth...well that’s the final destination, I’ll be getting off at Birmingham New Street. It’s my adopted little sister’s birthday today so unbeknownst to her, I’ve organised a few people to come down and surprise her for her birthday.

I can’t believe I’ve left this blog abandoned for so long. I can honestly say I haven’t had the time to post but then I sit here and start to wonder what exactly it is I’ve been doing in all these months... I seem to have got caught up in the viscious circle of work, eat, sleep on an evening and then trying to cram as much of my social life as possible into the weekends. The thing I can’t quite grasp is I’ve been online most evenings before I head to bed as it’s the only way of keeping in touch with some people so why haven’t I updated my blog? Things have happened, it’s not like I’ve done nothing.

We’re somewhere in Derbyshire now.

I love people watching on a train, you all know what I mean, don’t deny you don’t do it. You see a guy with a wedding ring on and his blonde companion...makes you wonder what’s going on.

I think I’ll get back to my people watching now and will update on the wedding ring guy and blondie’s situation if I find out anything ;)
xx

Gah!

Too busy to blog with new job and too pissed off right now to make any sense!!

Seriously, is 'please leave me alone' too fucking difficult to grasp?!

Hmph!
xx

Defying Gravity

KERRY ELLIS DEFYING GRAVITY LYRICS

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't bring me down
Mmm-mmm

I'm through accepting limits
Cos someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But til I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love it comes at
Much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
I'm way up high, I'm defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited
My future is unlimited
And I just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know
It sounds truly crazy
And, true, the vision's hazy
But I can see it
I can feel it
I swear I'll be so high
yeah yeah

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me
ah yeah

It's time to try defying gravity
I'm way up high, I'm defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me
You won't bring me down
aaah
ah-ah-ah-ahhh



Produced by possibly THE best guitairst - Brian May

Some good news :D

My dad had his scan today, from what they could see it's pretty certain there aren't any tumours which is a massive relief!! There was some free fluid found and there looks to be a problem with some of the veins in there so we'll have to wait and see what the consultant says on 21st April (my poor daddy having to go to hospital on his burpday!). In the mean time he looks pretty certain to be given the all clear in April and then have to have treatment for whatever the problem is...I think it's an infection but I'm not medically trained so it's just speculation.

In other news, I had the second interview and I should know tomorrow (in fact, later today) if I've got an offer of a job! From what they said to me it seems pretty likely. Please keep everything crossed though (for anyone who's out there and can cope with my ramblings, hehe)

xxx

?

Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I've never known?
After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on
I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
And sooner or later, you'll be screwing around

(these obviously belong to Meatloaf, not my words - they just seem appropriate at the moment)
xx

Fucking NHS

I've just spent almost three hours with my Dad at the emergency doctors. My poor dad has had a serious increase in pain over the weekened and after I nagged at him, he rang NHS Direct for some advice. They sent him to the emergency doctors where after being seen over two hours later than his appointment time he was told to increase the paracetamol and ibuprofen he's already taking and if it gets worse to go to A&E...surely this advice could have been given over the phone?

At least he has his scan booked in for thursday, I'm just hoping he doesn't need to go to a&e in the mean time...

Crazy Day...or the day I was the stupidest human being on the planet!

Had a very interesting day today.

Woke up to Thnks Fr Th Mmrs on my iDock at 10am-ish. Picked up my phone had 4 missed calls....ugh! One was an unknown and three were my voicemail (yes I can sleep through pretty much anything). Listened to it and thought I was dreaming....It was from a company I used to work for offering me a one years temporary contract. Then spent a couple of hours going WTF? No way!!! to myself whilst nattering on the phone to some friends.

After hanging up the phone I had another voicemail and listened...it was the agency with permanent job in Harrogate that I've got my eye on. They want to interview me on Friday.

So now I'm being rather naughty. I'm telling the company with the temporary job that I need some more information and will consider it over the weekend (going to Tiverton apparently) and the agency have said I'll know by Monday if I have a job offer there so I can take the temporary job if the permanent job comes up.

So the reason I am the stupidest human being on the planet...I only realised that I effectively have a job, the only thing I need to do is dot the i's and cross the t's ;)

xx

This song is getting played far too much on my iTunes....

LOVE IT!!!!

Fail!!

Well, I said way back in my blog I was hoping to have a job by now and I've failed! There's just not much out there for anyone but Payroll jobs are really thin on the ground too. Unfortunately it's very cyclical in Payroll and there are quiet patches that can go on for months and if the last agency I spoke to are to be believed, there should be some Payroll jobs coming up especially as Year End is looming so it's more waiting.

My dad has his clinic appointment for 21st April (his birthday and also five years to the day since he had his radical prostatectomy) so we're waiting for the scan appointment to come through and fingers crossed he won't need to be called back to clinic before the 21st.

I seem to be waiting for something to happen, I just don't know what it is yet. Whatever it is, could it hurry up and get here?

xx

Open mouth....insert foot

It's not very often I do this but when I do, I do it with style....ha!

My mate and I had a bit of a daft joke about me giving her a birthday smooch and it seems to have gotten out of hand...bollocks.

We had a peck (so not even a smooch) and I've got her asking me if I'd expected more to happen....argh!!!

I've now said to her 'you do realise its all a bit of banter and a bit of fun right' and I'm worried I've hurt her feelings...I know I *probably* haven't but it seems like I have put my foot in it...big time!!!

xx

Still...You Turn Me On - Emerson, Lake and Palmer

One of my favourite songs...how awesome was music in the seventies?!

xx

Hmmm the Second

Had a very odd day today. I had two agency interviews in town (both a waste of time, payroll work isn't going to pick up until March/year end). Got home and checked my email to find an email from an agency in the Netherlands about a job over there and my interest as a Payroll Co-ordinator....argh!!!

I'm starting to kick myself a bit now because I've turned it down and Jo has said to me tonight 'don't let life pass you by'. She's right but she doesn't know the full story about my dad.

It's bloody bad timing. I'd love to go over there, the contract would be fixed term for a year and if after that year and my review everything went well I could choose to stay on and would be offered a permanent job. Obviously I'd be able to come back home at anytime.

Maybe I should start learning Italian and hope some fabulous company wants me to work for them over there...that would be fab!!

xx

I do wonder if anyone reads this blog...never mind if they don't it's very therapeutic getting stuff of my chest.

My dad had his oncology appointment yesterday. The SPR he saw seems to be pretty sure it isn't a secondary cancer which is such a weight off my mind. They've taken a blood test to check his PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) and do a full screen on his bloody, a urine sample because the SPR seems to think it the remnants of an infection that's never been picked up on and he's got to have a scan so they'll be fitting him in for it ASAP with the fact there is still that risk it could be a secondary and to check what's going on.

So we get to play the waiting game again.

On a happier note, I do get to see McSnotface again later today which I can't wait for.

xx

Mad Weekend!! - Pictures

Mad Weekend!!

I've had an amazing weekend! Was my friend Blue's 30th last weekend and so Jo, Lara and I packed our cases and headed down for a night on the town!!

The song of the trip is a toss up between...Don't Stop Believing by Journey and Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie.

Best smutty one liner goes to McSnotface - Going down is easier.

We were trying to find out way to the hotel through a shopping centre, we went up the steps (with all our luggage) to find the cut through was shut.

There was lots of drinking, dancing and blue eye make up! I had such a fab time with a group of amazing ladies!

We started off in the hotel with our very own make shift bar, went to Weatherspoons for some food and then headed over to the venue for 9pm where we chatted, drank and danced until about midnight when we headed over to Flame.

Flame was such a hoot! It's a gay bar in Luton. I was a bit pissed (ok..I was very drunk) and did a bit of bump and grind with this guy who was straight!!! It was hilarious, he then moved on to Cat (Blue's twin sister), classy bloke!!!

I luckily didn't end up in the same state that I did in London, I remember all of the night and I STAYED AWAY FROM THE SAMBUCA!!!!

Was paying for it a bit this morning, felt so sick! The drive back was awful because they're widening the M1 so they're doing an average speed check and it just felt like it took forever to get through it.

I put Tom's theory into practice...ufortunately McSnotfaces hands aren't a perfect fit :(

Anyway, going to post some snapshots of my mad weekend!

xx

Woohoo!!!

Not long to go to Luton and then not only am I reunited with my McSnotface but I *finally* get to meet the lovely Miss Munts. Evil so and so called me a tease earlier on my Facebook status though...I'm so not!! Honestly, I'm not! I just flirt and don't realise I'm doing it!

I need sleep though, don't want to be asleep in the hotel instead of dancing the night away!

I'm sure I'll have a full report and lots of pictures when I get back on Sunday!!

xx

I'm a lucky girl

...I've got the best friends a girl could ask for. They know exactly what to say when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Granted I have burst into tears three times today since my appointment because of the fact they were being too nice to me after the disaster.

My appointment went exactly how I expected it to go...I was told to go on the pill and discharged. There were no other options offered so I'm just going to try and manage on the painkillers every month. The only downside to that is that I'll need to see my GP and evaluate my painkillers because the dihydracodiene totally spaces me out which can be funny but confusing for any poor people I'm talking to at the time when I go giggly and generally dopey. I was devastated earlier but there's not a lot I can do. Now they know the problem is when I get my visitor and about a fortnight before I don't think they'll refer me to the gastro team. I feel a lot better than I did before the surgery.

My dad kinda upset me earlier cos he said I was no where near as bad before I had my first lap which is the one that really fucked me up. I don't know, if I could go back now with the knowledge I've got I don't think I'd have had my first lap done by the guy who did it. Hindsight it 20/20 though and there's nothing at all I can do to change it.

I've had a two hour cat nap and I'm bloody knackered but my body is refusing to switch off and sleep, still got everything else spinning around in my head.

Oh well...I'm escaping to Luton this weekend and I can't wait! I plan on getting absolutely draked! And if for some reason (which given the way I'm feeling at the moment it will happen) I start crying my McSnotface has already said she'll give me all the hugs I need.

I can honestly say I'd be lost without my mates and even though we all live so far apart I know if I needed one of them I could call or text them and they'd come straight to Leeds, just the same way I'd do that for them.

Right, I MUST go to bed, sitting here is doing me no good!
xxx

Insomnia....Good Times :D

Mwahahahaha! I have spent almost three hours in the bath...I think that is a personal best. Nothing nicer than having a long soak in the tub and pondering life, the universe and everything! Well...it does get better if you have someone to wash your back but I'm not complaining about the total lack of someone to do that.

Now, I'm sure (if there's anybody out there?!) you're wondering how I managed to spend almost three hours in the bath. Hmm, was I wanking away? No, sorry to disappoint but I was actually lost in steam, bubbles and Marsha Mellow and Me. Fab book, laugh out loud funny.

For the perverts out there...fine I was wanking like mad...was GOOD! ;)

It's the one thing I couldn't live without. I lurve my bath. It's a nice place to escape to when everything is going a bit pear shaped. My problems haven't gone, in fact the one for today is happening in just about 3 hours time.

I also make my best decisions in the bath, I'm going to have my hair chopped off. Nothing too drastic, just cut into a bob and then a crazy amount of layers put in so I can be all sleek and straight for work and flick it out for nights out. The only problem I can see is when I'm back at work I can see me not being arsed to do my hair in the morning but I've had it like that before and I've managed in the past.

Some bad news today McSnotface isn't coming to Leeds. The inconsiderate prick that Jason was meant to be seeing booked Friday off work BUT Jase has rescheduled for next Wednesday so depending on what McSnotface is working next week (she's on a phased return to work after major surgery) she could be coming up to Leeds so I get to see her all this weekend AND next Wednesday. Other bad news, one of the other dirty sewer kittens (Sadie) decided it would be fun to not only fall down one flight of stairs but TWO. She put on her facebook she'd fallen down the stairs, I thought 'typical Sades', turns out her leg is in a brace, she's not allowed to put any weight on it and the chance of her making it to Blue's 30th in Luton is slim to none. *cries* It won't be the same without her but I'm more concerned that she's ok.

In fact something else I had decided on whilst in the bath is this. Tom (Sadie's hubby) came up with this marvellous idea for finding my perfect partner: 'Ask them to cup your boob, if their hand fits it's a definite yes'. So since I'm having a pretty major dry spell I think I'm going to go with it ;)

On a more serious note, I went to see a solicitor today. I finally told my mum about the reply I'd had from my previous employers about the concerns I had with my team leader revealing personal information about me and they have admitted she not only gave a reference but revealed strictly confidential information about me. I've got some leads to follow up on that but I'm now going to have to be very tight lipped about what I say.

My life is never easy, but it'd be dull if it was plain sailing :P

xx

Stressed...me?!

All is not good in my world at the moment. My dad is currently hypertensive and is having to see his oncologist earlier than expected because he's having problems which is why I'm terrified. I'm sure he's ok, well he's got to be cos if he's not I'll kick his arse!!

I have my post op on Thursday which is always something to look forward to...lets see how many random people want to insert things into me this time shall we?!

Oh and my biggest stress/worry....THERE ARE NO BLOODY JOBS!!! I'm applying for everything I can do and I've even applied for a job where I'm under qualified but that's because the location of the job is uber cool so I had to apply on the off chance.

I seem to be the person everyone goes to for advice/to have a moan at the moment and my poor little brain cannae take it!

Oh and I'm utterly skinted which is never good.

PLEASE can someone whisk me out of my life...just for a year or two...I'd be awfully grateful.

I know it's nothing major but all the little things are starting to add up and I'm not sure how long I can juggle it all.

On a brighter note, my McSnotface is *hopefully* coming to Leeds on Friday and I'm so looking forward to seeing her; she's the girl who keeps me sane and who I can tell anything to and she won't judge me. She has known about everything since it all started and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up blubbing on her the minute I see her but I know she won't mind because when either of us have been upset we've rung each other and sobbed down the phone. She's the person who sorted me out when I had my first post lap period and I wanted to die. I actually wanted to die, I didn't feel as awful after my surgery as I did that night. She took my mind off it, calmed me down and stayed on the phone until I fell asleep in spite of the fact she was recovering from a total hysterectomy at the time.

Gawd, I'm filling up just thinking about her. She's the one person I can depend on and I love her unconditionally. I'm a lot closer to her than I am to my mates from home. We've always been there for each other and I honestly couldn't imagine her not being a part of my life now which is funny because we only started talking about a year ago but we've gotten to be such good friends in such a short amount of time. She's like the big sister I never had.

So please keep everything crossed she can make it to Leeds on Friday, I'd be heartbroken if she couldn't!!xx

Lucky - Bif Naked

It was a Monday, when my lover told me,
"Never pay the reaper with love only."
What could I say to you, except, "I love you."
And "I'd give my life for yours."

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

The first time we made love, I... I wasn't sober.
(and you told me you loved me over and over!)
How could I ever love another, when I miss you every day...

Remember the time we made love in the roses?
(and you took my picture in all sorts of poses!)
How could I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours.

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.

My dear, It's time to say I thank God for you.
I thank god for you in each and every single way.
And, I know... I know.. I know.. I know...

It's time to let you know. Time to let you know.
Time to let you know. Time to sit here and say...

I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
I know we are... we are the lucky ones, dear.
We are the lucky ones, dear...

Love this song, reminds me of Em and us trying to learn the lyrics in high school...who knew the Buffy soundtrack version was the 'clean' one?

Sorry for the pathetic and self pitying post in the early hours, I was sober but had got myself in a tiz about various things and it all got on top of me.

Until the 24th February is out of the way, I expect I'll be pretty up and down mood wise. Like I said in the earlier post, it's not something I can talk about but it's stopping me sleeping. I ended up having about an hours sleep this morning. I did pour my heart out to McSnotface and she's promised a massive amount of big hugs when I see her but I can see myself crying all over her, instead of crying my eyes out whilst talking to her on msn like I did this morning.

Anyway, today was the big day of three meetings, first agency meeting went well, second meeting was with Pathways to Work and the woman I spoke to was not only lovely, she was sympathetic and left me feeling really positive about going back to work, third meeting was with an another agency and given the problems I've had with another agency I am wary of them but they seem to be the best way to get a job. I don't understand it, surely it would be more cost effective for companies to actually make the Personnel (sorry Human Resources) Department actually do their bloody jobs.

As Payroll falls under the wing of HR/Personnel we usually end up getting the blame for a lot of HR cock ups...mainly an error when a new starter's information has being put together to be input by Payroll. Of course, unless we see the original information in Payroll we don't know there's an error and yet it's us that get it in the neck from a pissed off employee who hasn't been paid and it all turns out the bank account details were incorrect because some useless arse in HR transposed some of the figures...fucking clowns!

Met up with Jo and her little monkey Oliver, it's amazing, I've known Jo since Oli was four months old and to see him now, he's a proper little boy with his own cheeky character it's amazing and yet I'm still totally unbroody which is FAB!!! I think now I've got a hell of a lot of my freedom back I want to make the most of it...still recruiting for a travel buddy haha!

xx

Having a tough time

Got a lot of personal things going on, I'm trying to stay optimistic that I'm worrying for nothing but it's not helping. If it comes to the worst, I don't know what I'll do. I'm so scared.

Tourist

Today I spent the day as a tourist in....Leeds! One thing everyone should do at some point it go around all the places in your local city that you'd never think of going to because they're always there.

Absolutely knackered now though. Had such a laugh!

Funniest moments
- Giving "birth"
- Amanda's sex noises whilst eating...me saying 'you having a wee orgasm there' some bloke walking past who overhead me saying this and proceeded to stare at Amanda whilst walking on
- Messing around with the blue screen of doom
- Seeing Morph
- Lots of larking about

I loved it but urgh...Thackray Medical Museum has a section about Leeds in 1842 with real smell included. Really smelt vile to the point Amanda and I were both retching, not recommended for anyone of a weak disposition. Something quite cool, because we gift aided our admission fees, we've now got a free pass for a year to go anytime we want to.

I saw some really bizarre and wonderful things there.

We then hopped on a train and headed to Bradford for a wander around the National Media Museum...when I was a kid it was the National Museum of Film and Photography. There were lots of cool things to look and interact with. We didn't get too long there to look around. I'm hoping to go back again after Friday as they've got a new exhibit opening called 'Bradford's Babies' which contains 'births, deaths and nudity' so it's piqued my interest.

It's been agreed we're going to do one geeky thing a month. The main problem now is a few of the things we want to do are further afield and so it's those places that are going to have to wait until I've got my car.

I can honestly say I've not laughed so much in a long time :D

Almost forgot...

...shows sometimes the government do listen :

You signed a petition asking the Prime Minister to "reclassify the DWP description so that endometriosis is no longer described under the heading of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease."

The Prime Minister's Office has responded to that petition and you can view it here: http://www.number10.gov.uk/Page18238

Prime Minister's Office Petition information - http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Endo-definition/

If you would like to opt out of receiving further mail on this or any otherpetitions you signed, please email optout@petitions.pm.gov.uk

For anyone who doesn't know, endometriosis was classified under PID and in the entry it stated the main cause of PID is due to sexually transmitted infections. Endo IS NOT an STI. The ball ache is it's not know what causes it, there are a lot of theories ranging from an immune system deficiency to the possibility it's heriditary.

It's funny...

Any and all broodiness seemes to have left me. I've been looking at some pics on facebook of my friends gorgeous niece and I have absolutely no gooey feelings at all. I was sat here thinking...yeah cute kid and that was it....No awww I want one which about a month ago I would have.

Meeting Jo and her gorgeous little boy on Thursday and he's the one kid that you can guarantee will make me broody...lets see what happens then.

Grrr

I do not like phishing texts, in fact I can't spell phishing...keep putting phising...here's what's in my inbox tonight...

R - Steamin! Show me your tits
Me - Why?
R - Cause I want to see them and you want me to see them
Me - I don't, sorry
R - But you do! Your mistaken lol!
Me - I really don't
R - Your texting me at half 3 so you must want what I want
Me - I was being polite dear, I don't want anything
R - You are a very polite girl, thats what I like
Me - How have you made that sounds dirty?!
R - I don't make anything sound dirty! You do
Me - Sure, whatever you say
R - Look! Im horny, your horny, you have bigger tits than me! It makes sense! Why are you awake at this time?
Me - I'm not horny but I do have bigger tits
R - Yes you do! Your not horny? In that case I apologise, I got an erection over the wrong person. Sorry! x
Me - No worries haha
R - You should see it, would fill your mouth. Really fucking horny
Me - Goodnight!
R - Don't leave me, it's nearly 4 and neither of us have pulled, all I want is a shag.....
Me - Who says I've not pulled?
R - Your texting me!!!!
Me - For all you know my boyfriend or girlfriend could be reading these texts too...
R - Is she fit? I'll fuck her too! I want to see you both, naked
Me - Goodnight
R - (A picture far too rude to publish)
Me - (why I said this I'll never know...) My bird is not impressed (could have been my invisible boyfriend texting back on my behalf tho)
R - Yes she is
Me - She's not
R - Really? Im gutted
Me - Really Goodnight
R - Ok

Haha, random and so amusing...he's also commented on my status on FB...bloody men!!

It's a slow news day....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_yorkshire/7874679.stm
...when an article like this is online....

A fucked up Friday

Well, the thing that well and truly fucked up my Friday apart from the Agency shit was that I asked for a copy of the letter my consultant sent my GP. They've basically discharged me from Gynae and told me to go back on the pill. I don't know why I'm so fucked off....I KNEW that's what they were going to say. The fact that the pill caused a significant increase in pain (to the point I almost ended up on oramorph) seems to be absolutely fine with them....arseholes!

I mean does it *really* matter that I end up doubled in pain when I ovulate? Does it matter that I CAN'T leave the house when I first come on my period. Indication of how bad it was, I was on the phone sobbing my heart out to my friend Lara while asking another friend to kill me. Just period pain I'll be fine :)

One thing someone said to me was I was bitter after being diagnosed...you wonder why?! Women who have severe problems are swept under the carpet without a second fucking thought.

Anyway...happy stuff - the Rhinos won tonight :D I got to perv on sexy Sinfield A LOT! My dad has told me he's buying a soundproof box for me to sit in when I'm watching the rugby at home...anyone who hasn't seen me at a match is in for a major shock. In fact, get me and Amanda together and it's no holds barred! Hopefully going to the World Club Champions game on 1st March so that should be fun. Random bit of information - they cleared over 500 tonnes (yes, TONNES) of snow off the Headingly pitch this week!!

I'm trying to relax now with a nice cold bottle of beer - it appears to be empty, ooops - and some cheesey music whilst half watching the repeat of the rugby game...drools :D

Oh boy...

Too distracted by this hottie to watch the rugby properly...PHWOAR!!!!!!

Eye See You...don't look if easily freaked out

Right eye...not deformed, the optician buggered the picture.


Left Eye

Eye test time

Well I've been for my 2 yearly check up....yet another change in my prescription but finally both my eyes are at the same level, need to get some new glasses now. I had a quick look in Vision Express but there wasn't anything I liked or that really suited me so it looks like I'll be relying on my contacts for a while.

I had the advanced eye test done so in just under 48 hours pictures of the back of my eye will be available for me to view online...and of course I will be blogging them - it's really fascinating to look at.

That's me done for another two years apart from contact lens check ups...they are kinda fun though...get funky coloured dye put in to check the health of the eye, so far I've had yellow vision, purple vision, green vision and blue vision. It takes about an hour for the day to wear off and it amuses me greatly...but I am a tad odd.

Been in a bit of a bad mood today, I've had a to-do with my former employers where my ex team leader has being giving out private information about me which is in turn putting prospective employers/agencies off. I've raised a formal grievance but there's not much more I can do. I'm absolutely appalled to be honest. Firstly with how a chavvy little witch like her even got a team leaders post and second of all that she's been bad mouthing me to other companies. I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I went above and beyond what was expected of me as a Payroll Clerk, not just with actually doing my best with my payrolls but with the fact I was dealing with the very high earners salaries when I'd been there about a month. It's wasn't the kind of payroll you could fuck up and not be overly concerned...if I'd have fucked up I'd have got sacked. Well...OK I DID get sacked but that was due to a very bad time with the Endo and not because I fucked up.

Anyway, I'll see what comes of the formal grievance, it's all a waiting game now. I just hope they at least allow me to approve my reference from them because once that's done then every agency she's bad mouthed me to need to receive a copy of the new reference but in most cases it's too late.

I've now taken an agency to task about refusing to accept my application for a job, this is the same agency who contacted my previous employer without asking me first. Hmph.

On the job front I'm not having much luck. There's just no jobs out there unless I want to move miles away from everyone I know and love, which obviously I don't want to do that. There are a couple of things so I've applied but all I can do is wait and see if I hear anything.

Another thing that hasn't helped improve my mood is I need another sicknote (god love my GP she doesn't want me back at work until I've seen my consultant but I AM GOING STIR FOOKING CRAZY) and so I rang up today, explained that my post op appointment had been moved from the 29th January to the 19th February and as the GP didn't want me back at work could I get another sicknote. Got a phone call 5 minutes after hanging up the phone telling me I need to go in to see the doctor which is bloody ridiculous so when I get a cold from over anxious mothers taking their brats in for a case of the sniffles I will be well and truly pissed off.

That's my rant for the day I think...lets see what the GP/Agency/Ex Employers can do to fuck my Friday up!

Anyone call for a car Mechanic?

Not that I'm overly qualified but considering I don't have my own car to play with I'm a lot my car-capable than I thought I was.

So far I've de-snowed my dad's car, checked the engine hadn't *died*, checked the oil and refilled the wash bottle.

I've also for the first time ever *inserts a drum roll here* changed a headlight bulb!! Took a lot of grunting and swearing but it's done and I didn't loose a finger! Yay!!

xx

Party Time

I've got a bit of a problem...do I buy this outfit to wear to my friends 30th in just under 2 weeks? Will funk it up with blue eyeshadow and jewellary...she is called Blue funnily enough. Mucho looking forward to it....I'll be reunited with my sewer kittens :D

My only concern (and a very good one) is that I'm going to end up taking my shoes off and throwing them in the nearest bin by the end of the night.

Eeek, do I go for the blue dress or the black dress?? I'm also thinking would be a good outfit for the Ashes night at the london stone which is possibly on the cards...hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

xx

How I feel right now...

Tired
Bit pissed off
Tender
Upset for two of my endo angels :(
Fed up
Bored
Meh

In about two weeks time...expect an I'm in major pain post!

I've gotta go back to see my consultant on the 19th...that will be fun. I already know what they're going to say to me....go back on the pill everything will be fine - BOLLOCKS!I've been on 3 different types of pill now and none of them help. The POP just turns me into a manic depressive, the Loestrin 20 was too low a dose for hormone control and the microgynon...well that doesn't help at all. Plus I'll have a thorough prodding and poking. I'm really trying to stay upbeat about it all but the thought that I've already had two surgeries for treatment of endo and severe adhesions and I'm 22 makes me wonder just how much more can I take?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today, I blame PMT...I'm not normally like this :(

I do have to post this...it's a convo between me and my friend...well it made me chuckle: -

L says:
Cupotea?
Lis says:
please hon
L says:
coming up
Lis says:
yay!
L says:
tart?
Lis says:
bitch
L says:
no... do you want some
Lis says:
Yes please...and the tart :P
I knew what you meant!!
L says:
I knew what I meant too
Lis says:
what?
L says:
do you want some tart
the treacle variety not the two legged variety

So while I'm still chuckling I'm off!

4am moment of clarity

I've just had a moment of clarity and done something that's made me happier than I thought it would. I've just deleted a hell of a lot of messages from someone I thought I loved.

If you read this, thank you for the impact you had on my life last year but that chapter of my life is closed now. I'd like to say I'll always look back and be happy when I remember stuff but all those months it dragged on where we did nothing but argue will always taint the happy memories. Maybe one day we'll be 'real' friends again but until then, good luck...and leave all us poor women alone, you're a menace ;) You know I love you and part of me always will. In the mean time I'll be stealing your best friend every so often for a good gossip in Starbucks :D xxxx

Guv Love

I'm ashamed of myself. The one thing from my top weekend in London I forgot and so I'm not mentioning now is I sat on the Gene Genies knee...*melts into a huuuuge puddle of girl goo* Good Times :D

You know when you need to get something off your chest but the words just won't come out? Well I've just attempted to type something four times now and it just isn't coming out right at all.

Maybe I need to clear my head and then it will just come out. Thing is the person who I'd talk to is the one person I can't talk to right now.

Anyway...enough of that.

Went out for dinner with my Grandma and Dad tonight. It was fun. Casa Mia Grande is the modern day equivalent to Luigi's...well I think it is. You've got the Champagne Bar that leads into the restuarant. I don't know if they do Bolly at the bar, I've not looked ;) but I'd be more than happy to go and investigate. Who fancies coming with?

Bit worried about someone but I hope they know if they need to talk to get in touch. In fact there's a few people I'm worried about at the moment. January seems to be a very black month at the moment.

Sending love & hugs to my darlings who need them

xx

I can't sodding well sleep...AGAIN!!! I should be knackered after the weekends antics but I'm not...Grrrrrrrrr!! head/keyboard!!!!

Hmph, not a happy bunny!

I'm wondering if anyone reads my blog...no-one ever comments on it :(

I've done sweet f.a today and I was so tempted to open a bottle of house rubbish then realised I can't drink because of my snexy new tattoo.

Got dinner tomorrow night with my dad and grandma...oh deep joy.

I was planning on spending the day in bed with chick flicks...nay mind

xx

Forgot to blog this earlier....my dad told me my tattoo isn't quite central...bastard!

He's worse than Gil Hollis trying to line is sling up with his bandages.

Off to sleep now...can barely keep eyes open. If anyone wants to come snuggle me my address is..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My back hurts :( Don't remember it hurting this much last time I had a tattoo done but...it is in a place where it bleeds out. Which I didn't know. Hence the panic in Casa Mia of 'Oh God, my tattoo is leaking...what do I do?!'

It's all good fun tho!

Awww, someone's just said to me I have a lovely voice which was random and very sweet!

I should go bathe my tattoo and consider going to bed but I'm very comfy sat listening to music and trying to sort my head out with the help of the lovely Miss Munts :)

Which has reminded me, I need to book the hotel for her 30th in February. Can't wait to be reunited with my dirty sewer kittens, love them all to bits.

I'm feeling really upbeat and happy today and I don't know why. Must be something in the tattoo ink lol!

xx

My new tattooo

Confused...in need of snuggles...help?! Anyone??

In other news, getting my snexy new tattoo tomorrow...will be sure to add a pic or two...

Head is whirling at an amazing speed, I NEED TO STOP THINKING!!!

Weekend Frolics

Oh this weekend was FAB!!!

I've lost a rather large chunk of my memory from about 3am onwards...possibly earlier than that, I'm not quite sure.

The things I do remember:-
- Having no sleep from 10am Friday morning to christ knows when this morning
- Meeting some wonderful friends who are all lovely
- Having a tour around London & various A2A locations
- Cool guy from the coach, had me in stitches for most of the journey
- Smooches
- Random American Girl
- A toilet door that looked like book shelves
- Waking up in a bath....the less said about that the better
- Free shots...not such a good thing.
- Having a flirt with the bar man (hence the free shots)
- downing far too many shots of sambuca
- being in Maccy D's at some ungodly hour


Things I can't remember
- Why I was crying...I'm 100% positive it's not for the reason I said when pissed...I blame tiredness and alcohol
- What time I got in at
- Why I thought sambuca was a good idea
- anything after 3am

All in all, was a great weekend and I don't regret one minute of it...except maybe the shots.

Keep getting drunken flashbacks and smirking haha! Really don't think I should elaborate on that one....

Loved meeting the Luigi's Ladies and I really hope there will be another meet soon. Until then I've got Luton next month for my mates 30th, JailBreak in March,Edinburgh in May (hope someone will keep me amused while I'm there...I may go exploring haha), Cuba in October...busy times :D

I'm going to London....

to meet the luigi's ladies,

I'm going to London to meet the luigi's ladies.

I'm concerned cos I'm so organised I've forgotten something to be honest...hmmm. Oh well it's not like I'm away from home for too long.

Will be back Sunday or monday with pics :D

Have a good weekend!

Lis xxxx

P.S Must buy heat magazine...I cna't go to London and not buy it, lol

Meh

Can't sleep....I have to be up in 3 hours and 36 minutes (0454 according to my laptop time) Good Times!!!!

I was reading 'Keeping Faith' by Jodi Picoult and came across something I never knew. The word passion comes from the Latin passio which means to suffer. Sounds about right to me! I'd love to meet someone who's had passion and not had to suffer any kind of pain because of it, pretty sure I'd be more likely to win the lottery if I'm honest.

Argh!! Why am I not tired...this is getting beyond a joke.

In fact in an attempt to bore myself to sleep, I'm gonna fill in one of those random quizzes that you find doing the rounds on facebook/myspace...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Lisa

Age: 22

Birthday: 22nd September

Eye color: Brown

Hair Color: This bizarre mix of brown with some natural blond highlights

Sign: I was born on the cusp so...Virgo/Libra

height: 5'6"

nickname(s): Lis, Smise, Mama Puds, Lili, Li, Lisa La La Legs, La La Legs, Mucktub, Little Bit (they're all the ones I can think of...no wonder I forget my own name lol)

birth place: Leeds

Favourites
Your all time favorite band: At the moment Theory of a Deadman

Colour: Black/Silver

Movie: The Butterfly Effect

CD: Aerosmith - Nine Lives

Favorite quote: Ian - I'm going celibate
Jeff - What, sell a bit here, sell a bit there?
(ok not a quote with any deep meaning but it made me chuckle when Ian told me about it)

worst
Show of all time: X-Factor

song of all time: The majority of dance stuff is pretty crap

movie of all time: Superbad...wasn't that funny

friend of all time: I would never say in case they read my blog!

movie star of all time: Tom Cruise

CD of all time: Simon Logan's Greatest Wind Ups...it was funny the first time and not very funny after that

holiday of all time: Would be when I went to Cornwall with my mates, been stuck in a car saying 'On Saturday in Somerset' WITH THE ACCENT for 8 HOURS!!! tends to make you go a little crazy, plus when I got home I found out our moglet had gone missing

word association
Heart: beat

house: hold

cat: box

chair: office

wind: tide

lamp: shade

boat: river

ocean: frollicks

floor: laminate

glitter: dust

if you could...
relive one moment in your life what would it be: I don't know...think when my dad gets told he's in remission I'll want to relive that moment for a while.

do one thing before you die what would it be: Bungee Jump

tell someone exactly what you think who would it be: Everyone knows what I think about them...unless it's meant in a bad way then there's no-one

have one super power what would it be: Invisibility...I'd go round scaring people

If you were...
a superhero what would your name be: ...no idea

rich what is one thing you would do: Buy a house in Italy near the coast

to suddenly be stranded on an island what one thing would you want with you?: my phone to ring for help

friends
Funniest: Kay and Emily

Scariest: Sarah...jeez!!

Shyest: Andy

most original: Emily

This or that
Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi

Coco puffs or count chocula: Coco Puffs...count chocula sound like they'd try to eat you..

Saw or Hostel: Saw...never seen Hostel

Devils rejects or House of 1000 corpses: Neither

tv or movie: Movie

Last questions I swear!
Have you ever...
sang until you were hoarse: Yes

screamed for no reason: No

Hit someone with your car: No, unless you include the unfortunate curb before my driving test (see after the quiz...)

gotten in a car accident: Yes but I wasn't driving...been in two in fact

written a poem: Yes

burned a picture: Yes

gone to a concert: Yes

participated in a Mosh Pit: Yes

No really....this is the end
Do you
Have a significant other: No

drink: Yes

smoke: Yes...I was meant to be stopping in the New Year...ooops

cuss: Far too much

get along with your ex: Yeah 'cept for one guy

get along with your family: Yep

ok...last ones...RANDOM TIME!
Have you ever shot a gun: No

have you ever been on stage: Yes

have you danced on a pole: Yes...I blame the alcohol and Heaven and Smell for having a pole

have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a stripper: Nope

what would your stripper song be: Touch of My Hand - Britney Spears...very appropriate if you look at the lyrics

what's the worst job you can think of: Anything involving blood & guts

whats one quote that sums up your life: ?? I've not found one yet

Whats the funniest thing about you: I dunno but I manage to crack my mates up

whats the one word that sums you up: Boobylicious (thanks Rach)

do you have tattoos: Yes, one but getting my next one done next week!!

do you have piercings: Yeah, ears twice though I'm pretty sure my top holes have healed up

If you could be the opposite sex for one day what would you do: Play with my cock for a bit, adjust myself in public, be as loutish as possible

if you could change your name would you: No

to what: I wouldn't change it

whats one thing you want everyone to know about you that wasn't mentioned: I'm only a little bit crazy and not as crazy as I might appear ;)

how was your childhood: Pretty good then I had to grow up far too quickly

name your last 2 exs: A lady never kisses and tells

describe them: Warm & snuggle-able but a total prick, Cute but geeky

if you and your friends were on an island with no food, who would you eat: I don't know...

how do you want to die: I don't know

What bothers you the most about the world: Violence

what store do you usually spend all your money at: Depends on the mood...

do you believe in the love you see in movies: No, cos we don't know what happens after the credits start

why do you think you were put on this earth: I can't think of a reason...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So my driving test. Haha, it'll certainly be one to tell the kids (if I have any). I'd already failed my test once for speeding so we're on test number two...my instructor came to pick me up as usual and we headed on the normal route to the test centre. About 2 minutes from my house is a ball ache of a roundabout and I was a tad too close to the curb approaching the roundabout...so close in fact I bent the wheel arch when I hit it. We park up in the car park of Sainsbury's, it's pissing it down and Mark is trying to change the tyre but he only has a space saver one so he drives foot down to the nearest Kwik Fit while I'm sat in the passenger seat having a meltdown.

It all turned out ok in the end because we made it to the test centre with time for me to very quickly practice reverse parking but to this day I have no idea how I passed my test...and with only 6 minors unlike someone I could mention who got 8.

Well it's 0549 and I'm still not tired...fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck. I guess it's good in a way cos I'll be so tired I'll sleep on the coach to London but I'll be knackered for my interview. Oh well...

This is what my little trip got me....

Didn't even get the friction burn in a good way...see here

Still smarts now and I've got a pretty high pain threshold.

Who knew kids TV was so entertaining??

Sat in bed and my head is still half asleep, I put BBC2 on as it's the only channel that felt like playing on my freeview box and 'Mister Maker was on. For some reason my sleep deprived brain can't fathom the Mister maker was looking out of the window and a bird shat on his shoulder. This made me take note...since when did they show that on kids TV?

What happened next had me roaring with laughter. The guy looks up, shakes his fist and goes 'YOU DIRTY BIRD!!'. All I could think of was how much he sounded like Russell Brand.

Certainly made me chuckle!

Could today...yesterday have gotten any worse?!

This is a serious moan post....I won't be offended if it's not read!

Woke up and everything was hunky dory. Postman does his thing and I get a letter from Bradford Council about the interview, open it up to find out that they don't want to see me for a second interview. May as well have 'REJECT' stamped on my forehead. Said on the letter to ring up for reasons why but I don't think I will...Bradford is a ball ache to get to so I guess they did me a favour.

Get in the shower and sat on my bed drying my hair, get up to find myself on the floor...I wasn't drunk but had gotten a dead leg. Got a really nice friction burn on the top of my thigh and my pelvis is killing me because I banged my hip on my bedside table. I did have a giggle once I managed to get up but that's because of the tickly pins and needles I had.

I've now got a killer headache...I can't find anything funny about that tho...

I can't complain because these things happen for a reason. I just don't think I should be trusted to go out on my own...

What? What? Whattttt???

They've moved Millennium Magic...from Cardiff, to Edinburgh..what?? Why not England? What have we done to piss off the organisers??

Utter Madness if you ask me! I'm definitely gonna have to have my car before then, I PROMISED Amanda we'd go once I had my licence and I have it now...fat lot of good it's doing me though, I've had it 2 months now and I'm not using it.

My dad (evil being) keeps tempting me to drive his car even though he knows full well I'm not insured!! One of these days I'll just pick up the car keys and go...who'll be laughing then?!

I'm sure I can beg/do sexual favours for one of my mates who are dotted around the country to hide me...I think I've got a plan there :D

Have to go for lunch with my Dad & my Grandma later today, I'm sooooo looking forward to it. I can see me blogging in a few hours saying 'I've told my Grandma I'm a lesbian to stop her from asking me about if I've got a boyfriend' but then I'd get the 'have you got a girlfriend' questions....jeez!

Don't think my Grandma realises that all a girl needs is good friends and a good vibrator. Relationships aren't worth the hassle. Too many good people get hurt.

Breath of Life

Never had a point of view
'Cause my mind was always someone else's mind
I never had to tell a lie
'Cause I left the choices up to them
Don't know why, but I did

Oh, I want life
Life wants me
To breathe in its love

Take me I'm yours
Now I'm coming up for air
I'm gonna live my time for the rest of my life
Then I'll be coming back for more

I never had to call the tune
'Cause I always drifted with the tide of the moon
I would go out every night
Looking for someone to treat me right
Not a chance, not a hope in this world (world)

Oh, I want life
Life wants me
To breathe in its love

Take me I'm yours (take me)
Now I'm coming up for air (I'm yours)
I'm gonna live my time for the rest of my life
Then I'll be coming back for more
Ooh, ooh

Take me I'm yours (take me)
Now I'm coming up for air (I'm yours)
I'm gonna live my time for the rest of my life
Then I'll be coming back for more
More

Written by Clarke / Bell



One of my favourite songs ever. There's just something about it I can't put my finger or put into words.

Just a quicky....

Ohhh Matron!

Now I've got the Carry On moment out of my system this is honestly just a quick blog post. It's ten to fooking four!

I'm not impressed. The writing bug has bitten me :(

I know a few people who'd be...happy? Maybe? Hmm, I'm not. I need my sleep but sleeps sweet oblivion seems to be evading me recently. A lot of it is stress from not knowing when I'm going to get back to work as well as still not knowing exactly what happened during my surgery and what will be said about that.

I got some good news today so I'll be able to go to London next Saturday and meet some fab people, I'm looking forward to it and really hope all the regulars can make it.

The weirdest thing happened earlier tonight, I was talking online to some lovely ladies and somehow the conversation ended up being on fanfics and it turns out another person used to go on the same yahoo group I did. It's madness, utter madness and in some bizarre way it doesn't surprise me. After all I met a wonderful group of ladies in my Endo sisters and I'll be meeting a group of lovelies from Luigi's next weekend. Good times.

I was speaking to Jo earlier too and we're definitely gonna head up to Edinburgh on 30th April. Should be a laugh; beer and good company what more does a girl need in life? I am ever so slightly scared of going to Lindisfarne and getting stuck on the island but my sense of adventure is telling me to stop being a wuss and enjoy life. Cos that's what life is all about isn't it? Living life and enjoying every minute of it. One minute you're here, the next you're not. Make the most of each and every single moment, try something new every day, do something that scares you. Just don't get to the end of your life and regret not doing something. I don't wanna look back 5 years down the line when I'm thinking of settling down with a nice man (or woman) and think there's so much I wanted to do and I didn't get to do it.

This year is shaping up to be a pretty mad one. There's the meet next weekend, the endo meet in Leeds in February, the JailBreak in March (www.jailbreak2009.co.uk - please sign up!!!!), Edinburgh in April, The Luigi's camping holiday (I know some of you read this blog girls and WE.ARE.DOING.IT!!!!) in the summer and possibly Cuba with Jo in October.

I'm itching to go to the Edinburgh Festival too in August so it's all going a bit mad this year on the travel front. I really do want to go to Cuba too and that's the one I hope doesn't fall through. God knows I could do with some sun, sea, sand and fun! It's not just that aspect that has an appeal for me. I'd love to be able to tell my kids I went to Cuba while Castro was still living.

Sitting here thinking about it, there's a few places I want to go; Goa, Italy, America, Australia, Go around Europe and most of all I am desperate to go back to Paris. I fell in love with the city when I went in high school.

Anyone fancy being my travel buddy??

xxx

>:s

I'm officially a loser...Instead of being tucked in bed (all on my tod) I'm sat putting new albums on my iTunes.

Theory of a Deadman...Mmmmmm! Love them! Sound like Nickelback did when they first started out.

I think to much. I've noticed that recently, I can be sat and will be deep in thought and then couldn't tell you what I was actually thinking about. Couple of people have been getting far more head space than the actually deserve.

Anyway, some Random Facts about me!

1. Sapphire Clair - Clair is my middle name (yuck) and Sapphire is my birthstone
2. I have slept with someone who was married but I didn't know until his missus was ringing me up...shiiiiiiiiit!
3. I'm 22, 23 in September (22nd, send flowers to.....)
4. I have some weird taste in music
5. I have the horn...Kay you say one word about that and I will not only slap you, but I'll insult the French shit you call a car ;) I'm kiddng Stevie is an awesome little car!
6. I weighed 6lbs 11 ounces when I was born
7. I love Romcoms, give me a film with a happy ending and some slush any day!
8. I miss not having someone to snuggle up to on a night
9. I still see things and go to the person who it reminds me of then stop myself from texting them.
10. I smoke faaaaaar too much
11. I want to live in Italy for a year
12. I love my high heels
13. I'd rather stay at home cuddled up instead of going on the lash in town
14. I always seem to fall for the people who are guaranteed to hurt me
15. I'm terrified that I won't be able to have kids
16. I really need to visit Em in York
17. I need to go out for a night of Vodka & Red bull in Walkabout with Kay
18. I *should* meet up with Amanda, not seen her since the summer
19. I really do think too much
20. I need to sort my head out
21. I have the most intense period pain at the moment
22. I NEED to go get my new tattoo done asap!!

Lis xx

Well after not thinking I'd make it to the interview I did :D The girl I saw was lovely and confirmed I have a job interview next Friday...yay!! She also told me she'd put two other people forward and I'm the strongest candidate of the three which is always nice to know. So got lots of company swotting to do. Still waiting to hear about the really fab job and the one I interviewed for on Tuesday.

Oh Noes!!

I've been awake for half an hour, I need to leave my house at 3 to go for an interview....I have mad hair and need a shower and instead of getting on I'm sat here blogging. Hmmmmm. Not good!!

I've been having the strangest dreams lately about someone who I thought I'd got out of my head but they're still there, I don't think it helps that I was talking to them on Saturday night about stuff and it's left me thinking. To be honest I wish they'd fuck off out of my head.

:(

Having a slightly rubbish day today. Oh the joys of being a woman...men have it easy!! Feel kinda guilty cos I cancelled my plans with Lee today but I just couldn't leave the house. Don't worry I'm not going anymore crazy than I usually am but at the moment it's crazy with a hint of anger. Normal (well, normal for me) services will be resumed shortly.

On a positive note I have two followers now, welcome to the dark side...we have cookies :)

My mum, bless her, has bought me the Ashes to Ashes boxset from amazon. I sent her the link to the fic I've been writing and she's hoping it will encourage me to write some more. I really think I should now but we'll see. I kinda fell into writing the fic, I'd been reading a lot of the fabulous stuff on fanfiction.net and got inspired. Maybe I need to read some more fic to get the ol' juices flowing.

I've got an interview with an agency tomorrow at 4pm which is always fun. I just hope they don't ask me to do a typing test since I'm still not used to these nail extensions. Tis my own fault, if I hadn't bitten my nails so much they wouldn't have looked so bad that I ended up having to have extensions to make them look decent.

The interview yesterday was a disaster. On the letter it said 'an initial, informal interview' and it just wasn't. I answered three pages of A4 questions while the panel of interviewers were scribbling away. I'd had an hours sleep the night before and they had said they were seeing a lot of candidates so I won't know if I've got through to the next stage of interviews until the start of next week.

My friend has just text me something which has amused me and so I'm going to share it with you:

Some random facts...
An elephant shits half it's weight in 2 days
A mans penis is three times the length of his thumb
2 multiplied by 2 equals for
A woman would have finished reading this by now, but a man would still be checking the size of his thumbs

And now another friend has just text me, lucky cow is off to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks at the end of this month. I'm still hopeful she'll pack me in her suitcase but if not the I'm definately going to need a job because I need to go on holiday. Get away from the shithole that Leeds is and just chill out. Hopefully I'll be going to Cuba with my mate Jo and her beautiful little boy Oliver in October but things are never guarenteed so I'll wait and see.

So if by any chance a rich millionaire is reading this blog...fancy helping a girl out with a bit of Sun, sea and sand??

Hmmm

Why am I not tired?? I have had an hours sleep thanks to interview jitters. I completely and totally screwed up aforementioned interview.

I'm not in a blogging mood tonight :(

Interview Jitters

As above, I have some major interview jitters at the moment. I can't pinpoint exactly why I feel so out of sorts but I do.

It's for a company I've temped for in the past so the interview should be a breeze but I kept in touch with a few of my work mates from there and one of them mentioned about 28 people had applied for the job openings. I'm just hoping I'll measure up. OK, it's not exactly convenient, it's the next city over and it's a long commute to and from work but any job is better than no job.

You can tell my head state is bad when the music that usually makes me want to have a boogie isn't working.

Not done a lot today really. Managed to get my new iPod set up which is pretty cool...I have music on my laptop!!! Didn't get my nails done, the girl had to cancel so getting them done tomorrow instead, I apologise for any typos in my blog tomorrow night (well tonight now I guess)as I'll be typing with nice long nails!

Suppose I should go get some sleep sooner rather than later, I need to be up at 6am...eek!

Sunday Night Blues

Well the first full week of 2009 is now coming to a close. I wonder how many people have already broken their resolutions?

I didn't really make any resolutions this year. In fact the only one I've made is to get a job *hopefully* before February. So in that hope I've been whoring myself around agencies, making my CV sound much more impressive than it actually is, printing off reams of information from the Inland Revenue and then trying to stuff as much of the info into my poor, tired brain as I can so it looks like I know what I'm talking about when I go for interviews.

The problem is, there are so many different forms used in Payroll, you have a split second to rack your brains trying to remember which is which.

At the moment I'm attempting to live, breathe, eat and sleep the job. I've been put forward for a fantastic job at a wonderful company and the starting salary isn't to be sniffed at! I not only need to prove my skills as a whizz at Payroll but I also need to show the company that it is my life at the moment and that even though I do have other things in the pipeline, the company appear to want someone who is a sycophant!

As well as job hunting, I'm also recovering after surgery before Christmas. It wasn't anything too drastic and I feel about 90% normal again. So trying to take things easy as well as madly looking for a job...not a good mix me thinks.

I've got a reasonably busy week this week. Getting my nails done tomorrow as recently I seem to have bitten mine to buggery, I have an interview at a company I worked for previously as a temp at 8.30am on Tuesday and meeting a friend for gossip and coffee on Wednesday. Plus I also need to have time to study up on Payroll info/Company info and be available for interview if any should come up.

Anyone on my twitter, will have seen that I tweeted I'm very proud of someone at the moment, that person would be my Mum. She got very, very good marks on an assignment.

Oooops!

I've not blogged for ages!!

This is a crime so appalling, I should be shot! You'd think since I hadn't blogged for a while I'd actually have something interesting to post for whoever (if anyone) is actually reading this blog but I don't...

I'm working on writing something completely original, so watch this space.

I'm still twenty-something and still single so not that much has changed in that respect. I'm desperately job hunting at the moment.

I'm really struggling with what to write, think I need to do some Daily Meme's to get the juices flowing...if you pardon the pun....

xx